Them Bones, Them Bones

Them Bones, Them Bones

Written by Buddy Williers
Directed by John Fawcett

Synopsis and commentary:
While discussing Xena's pregnancy, Gabrielle remarks "You look beautiful! You do!" Xena later mentions "Well, maybe I'm happy 'cause I know I don't have to go through this alone." Xena is then struck by severe pain, and Gabrielle cradles her in her arms. As Xena is carried into a healer's hut, she is crying out for Gabrielle, not stopping until Gabrielle is by her side. After she wakes up from her medication, she instantly calls out for Gabrielle again. The healer, referring to Xena and her baby, says "The best thing for both of you, now, is bed rest." Gabrielle smirks as she says this.
Xena figures, well, my baby is under attack; I had better go visit some old friends from last season because they haven't been around for awhile, therefore they must be involved. And surprise! Yakut reveals that it is Alti who is attacking her baby from the spiritual realm. Gabrielle tries to convince Xena that she (Gabrielle) must go and fight Alti. Xena rebuts: "I have seen Alti rip the hearts out of people that I love. I'm not going to take that chance with you." Gabrielle counters: "Xena, I love your baby like it were my own. I will do anything I have to to fight for its life, and I deserve that chance as much as you do." So Gabrielle goes wandering around in the woods and manages to kill some innocent deer so that she can cross over to the spirit world. To represent her journey, the director uses a montage of internal biology, as the deer's blood intermingles with Gabrielle's, and of the power of nature, showing storms, lightning, tornadoes, oceans, tunnels and other images to represent a journey, and a spider. A spider just sitting there. Don't ask, I don't know why. Gabrielle wakes up in a strange and mysterious land where someone is going a little happy with the pause button. (Once again, don't ask; I don't know why.) Alti refers to Gabrielle as "Xena's little bitch" and proceeds to kick her ass from 30 feet away.
When Gabrielle dies, Xena uses a little mouth-to-mouth action to bring her back from the dead. They all agree that killing Gabrielle was a stupid plan and decide that pouring amber on Alti's bones is a much smarter one.
Let's take a moment here to examine these plans once again:
A)Enter the spirit world to do battle with a creature of evil who beat the hell out of you in India until you got help from that mystical woman. A creature of such power that she can successfully attack you even though she's DEAD. The only people available to do battle with this powerful shamaness are Xena, who is pregnant and therefore in a weakened condition, or Gabrielle, who is no Xena.
Or
B)Pour some maple syrup on inanimate bones. Problem solved.
Anyway, Yakut and Xena take off to get Alti's bones. Yakut decides to take a side-trip to the spirit world, to fight Alti. Xena goes in after her and we are treated to another montage of powerful winds, high seas, the force and majesty of nature, blood, tunnels, and a cricket. (What?!) Alti confront Xena, grabs her baby's soul (Ouch!) and while running her hand around inside Xena's abdomen says, "I've always wanted to be inside of you, Xena." (does this mean that they never did the nasty when they were chums way back when?) Xena threatens Alti: "There aren't many guarantees in life, Alti, but I promise you this: If you harm my child, I will hound you. I will hound you through all time and between worlds. I will be your eternal damnation." To which Alti responds: "Well at least we'll be together again. I so miss these intimate little moments."
Xena and the tribe of amazons bring Alti out of the spirit world by doing a little dance. But it is to a dream world, and Alti and Xena's skeletons do a relatively uninteresting battle for the baby's soul. Xena loses and is destroyed an the series ends. (Okay, I'm kidding. She wins, of course.) Xena and Yakut hug their goodbyes. Gabrielle and Amarice also have a tender goodbye.

Disclaimer: Xena and Alti were Bad To The Bone during the production of this motion picture.