Married with Fishsticks

Married With Fishsticks

Written by Kevin Maynard
Directed by Paul Grinder

Episode synopsis:
Segment one: Gabrielle is having trouble taking care of Eve, complaining about her inability to be a mother. While she and Joxer fetch baby food they get caught in a firefight between Aphrodite and Discord. A dislodged pulley clocks Gabrielle on the head and she falls into the water...only to wake up as a mermaid married to someone who looks like Joxer with three mutant kids.
Segment two: Gabrielle's "husband" is Hagar, a sexist politician who is drugging her to perpetuate her amnesia because she looks like his wife, Crustacea, who left him, and a stable family is important to the council to which he wants to be elected. Gabrielle is introduced to her three children: Flipper (looks like a seal,) Urchin (looks like an urchin,) and Row (a squid.) Gabrielle bonds with Row while trying to do some house cleaning, but is interrupted by Crabella and Sturgina, who are in cahoots with Hagar. But as they want him for themselves, they bring her to "The Club" and try to convince her that she was leaving Hagar because the kids are out of hand. It is for this reason that Gabrielle decides to stay. But after she returns home, the kids tie her up and dunk her in a pool with a shark.
Segment three: With Row's assistance, Gabrielle escapes from the shark, but as a new woman. She now commands respect and discipline from her children, and will not tolerate chauvanist and patronizing behavior from Hagar. In the best moment of the episode, Hagar tells Gabrielle the story of how they supposedly met. (Think Saturday Night Fever meets Lolita.) Crabella and Sturgina, jealous of Gabrielle, lure her to the poolside at "The Club" where an octopus they have unleashed attacks her.
Segment four: Gabrielle defeats the octopus with a paring knife. She returns home where Hagar has apparently become a reformed man. He has provided dinner, is polite, and brings her to the Coral Gardens where he originally proposed to her, and does so now for a second time. At the marriage ceremony things don't go as planned. Hagar has guilt over his lies, and Gabrielle begins to have flashbacks because Crabella and Sturgina have replaced her "medicine." Amidst this, Gabrielle's memory returns to her.
Segment five: Hagar comes clean with Gabrielle, and his apology is honest; he HAS reformed. Crabella and Sturgina, however, are not interested in happy endings. They jealously battle each other for Hagar's attention, until Gabrielle decides to beat the stuffing out of them herself. Gabrielle says goodbye to the kids, now polite young children, and Hagar, who is going to try to win his real wife back. As they kiss goodbye...Gabrielle wakes up after being resuscitated by Joxer. Aphrodite and Discord are warned off by Xena, and as Gabrielle walks towards the camera comforting Eve, with whom she is now comfortable, we see that she still has the wedding ring on.

Disclaimer: No Sea Nymphs or other Inhabitants of the Deep were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:
Gabrielle has a series of flashback which remind her of her real identity. They are all of Xena.
When Xena encounters Gabrielle and Joxer kissing, she asks, disgusted, "You want to tell me something, Gabrielle?"

Commentary:
If you have seen this episode, then I am sure you know the dread I felt when I thought about watching it AGAIN in order to write this review. Admitting that it is abysmal, and profoundly stupid, it wasn't as bad as it should have been the second time through. (Unlike "Lyre, Lyre...") Now, I create my own torture by trying to inflict some sort of logic on Xena: Warrior Princess, but here I go: How does a human male and a mermaid spawn a half seal, a half urchin, and a squid? Was Hagar lying when he said they weren't adopted? And speaking of logic, when these three kids have their mother dangling in a shark tank, did you notice where the trap door was? It was in the couch. Why would one buy a couch with a trap door in it, even in an alternate reality? I guess it is a conversation piece for when guests are over. One great moment in this show is the flashback to Hagar and Crustacea's first meeting. I have to say, I laughed. In fact, I think given the script, Ted Raimi does a great job in this episode. His line after kissing Gabrielle had me laughing out loud. Great delivery. ("What are you doing?" "Well, apparently just what you've always wanted.") But one should notice that Joxer is wet when he resuscitates Gabrielle. Presumably he dove into the water and rescued her, but with his armor on? Is even Joxer THAT dumb? And why did Gabrielle still have the ring on? Come on, writers! But what I think we must keep in mind after this episode is this: as bad as it is, it is just a pothole in the rocky road that is season five, and not the abyss that "Lyre, Lyre..." was. ("Two and a half miles, straight down.")