Old Ares Had a Farm

Old Ares Had A Farm

Written by R.J. Stewart
Directed by Charles Siebert

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:

Arriving in a seedy bar, Xena starts questioning some suspicious characters. After a quick fight, she convinces one of them to confess that they have gathered to hunt down and kill Ares for the bounty that several warlords have placed on his head. Xena and Gabrielle find Ares and convince him to try a new identity, a farmer.

Segment two:

The three of them arrive at Xena's old family farm. While they are fixing it up, a neighbor stops by to warn them that she heard there was an army heading in their direction. Xena intercepts the army and offers the warlord Ares' head.

Segment three:

The warlord accepts Xena's offer to help kill Ares. She returns to the farm where several whacky scenes show Ares coping with farm life, including the three of them in bed together, a mischievous dog, a friendly neighbor, and him trying to kill chickens. All this comes in jeapordy, though, when a scouting party from the warlord's army appears.

Segment four:

Ares and Gabrielle pose as a farmer and wife. As they are being questioned, Xena rides up. She interrogates the farmer, and finds out that Ares had passed through several days ago. The search party heads off to inform the army of the sighting. Later, a travelling salesman comes and retrieves his dog from Ares. The warlord later bumps into this salesman and dog and sees the dog chewing on Ares' gauntlet. Finding out that the dog was found on a farm, he heads towards Xena and the gang.

Segment five:

Xena and Gabrielle arrive in the warlord's tent. Xena is there to dissuade him from going to the farm, but Gabrielle is there to denounce Xena. It seems that Xena has fallen in love with Ares and left Gabrielle behind. After telling the warlord where Ares can really be found, she and Xena fight it out. Falling for this ruse, the warlord sends his army to Ares hiding spot, which in reality is a cave containing an eight headed monster sure to kill them all. Xena and Gabrielle leave Ares to his new found lifestyle.

Disclaimer: Ares went to the dogs during the making of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

• Ares muses on what he would like on his "plantation", he mentions "Half a dozen flute playing girls."
  "That's just what I was thinking," Xena tells Gabrielle.
• While the three of them try sleeping in the same bed, Xena notices that Gabrielle's hand is too close to Ares pelvis, and moves it a safe distance away.
• Ares asks Gabrielle, "Is there anything you and I agree on?"
  Gabrielle looks at Xena and Ares replies "Oh yeah."
• Gabrielle's feigned jealousy at Xena's betrayal is readily accepted by the warlord and his henchman.
• Gabrielle gives Ares a smug smile when Xena refuses to kiss him goodbye.

Commentary:

One of the types of episodes that I just can't stand is one that can be summed up in two words: "Whacky zanniness." Sadly, that is what this episode is all about. It offers no real plot or emotions, just campy humor. But not humor that is character based or could ever be called "witty." Nope, this is a show about a dog licking Ares, Ares falling through a roof, Ares trying to kill a chicken but (hyuck hyuck!) that darn chicken is just too fast for him. Sorry for the downer folks, but after episodes like this, I am glad that Xena is ending. Go watch Buffy. They're not even afraid to write lesbian characters.