The God You Know

The God You Know

Written by Emily Skopov
Directed by Garth Maxwell

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:

At the scene of a warlike atrocity, the Archangel Michael warns Xena and Gabrielle that Caligula is out of control and has achieved immortality. In Rome, Eve confronts Caligula in defiance of his Cult Of Blood. Xena arrives, saving her, but is thwarted from killing Caligula by Ares, who reveals that since Aphrodite's and Caligula's lives are bound, killing one would kill the other.

Segment two:

Gabrielle escorts Eve to safety. Xena challenges Caligula to a chariot race, he is intrigued so she and Gabrielle are invited into the palace. There, Gabrielle realizes that Aphrodite does not recognize them while Xena is in the dungeon getting information from Ares. He reveals that Caligula is taking Aphrodite's godhood from her. She has become unbalanced and insane without the God Of War to balance her. Caligula orders Xena to kill Ares as a test of her worthiness.

Segment three:

Xena and Gabrielle turn the execution into a sexual floor show, with Xena enticing Caligula by biting his lip, cutting him. Fearing his immortality is in jeapordy, Caligula clears the room. Xena reveals that she is the Irish Goddess Of Sex and can kill gods. She offers to join forces with Caligula. Michael fetches Eve and draws her to Caligula.

Segment four:

Xena convinces Caligula to delay Eve's execution until a more public moment. Michael appears and attempts to assassinate Aphrodite but Xena interferes and beats him. The god of Eli revokes her ability to kill gods. Caligula kisses Aphrodite for the last time, stealing what remains of her godhood.

Segment five:

Murdering Eve is offered as the prize in a chariot race between Caligula and Xena. After she wins, Xena reveals who she is and that she has come to kill Caligula. She offers him the honorable way out: suicide. He accepts.

Disclaimer: Gabrielle's undercover disguise was severly harmed during the making of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

• Xena and Gabrielle bathe nude together in the roman palace. Xena washes Gabrielle.
• Aphrodite hits on Gabrielle: "I've never been so happy" she declares just before kissing Gabrielle.
• Aphrodite reacts with recognition and interest when Gabrielle dances for her and Caligula.
• Gabrielle comforts Aphrodite by gently stroking her face.
• When Xena finds Michael standing over Aphrodite and Gabrielle with his sword raised, she accuses him of "going after my girlfriends."
• Aprhodite wakes as her old self when her godhood is removed and finds Gabrielle hovering over her. "Gabrielle, I know we're, like, close, but is this appropriate?" she asks.
• Grabbing Gabrielle and Eve, Xena annouces "I've still got my two greatest gifts and I have no intention of losing either of them."

Commentary:

Oh my goodness this is so bad. Caligula, the insane emperor of Rome is introduced in this episode and rather than dark and menacing and scary he is... (and if you have been reading any of my reviews lately you should really see this one coming) ...wacky and zany! Oh wow! How exciting and new! I have been waiting and waiting for another wacky and zany episode! sigh...

Do they bother to explain how Caligula is stealing Aphrodite's power? Nope. He just kisses her and sucks it out. Do they bother to explain how they possibly got together in the first place since Aphrodite thinks Caligula is disgusting? Nope. Do they explain why Xena has a chariot race with Claigula at the end? Nope. She just decides it's something she need to do before revealing who she is. Xena just needed a little drama in her life.

Maybe I've been watching "Gladiator" too many times, but it is just so sad to contrast that with this episode. In Xena, Rome is perhaps a large village of several hundred people. None of the roads are paved. Their emperor walks amongst them with about three guards.

Yeah, there is some subtext in this episode. But at what price? This episode is an affront to my intelligence. I walked away actually feeling stupider for the hour of my life that is now gone.