Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire

Lyre, Lyre, Hearts On Fire

Written by Adam Armus & Nora Kay Foster
Directed by Mark Beesley

Synopsis & commentary:
Well, it looks like the Powers That Be have decided to celebrate the 100th episode of Xena by rewarding the fans with the crappiest episode ever. I writhed in pain during the broadcast of this episode, already dreading watching it again in order to write this review. I even spent a lot of time considering not reviewing it. But now that I've seen it twice, I have to admit that it is SO bad, that there is a certain amount of fascination in watching it. Or maybe it's just masochism. But it is interesting to try to imagine just what they were thinking when they wrote this. "I'm tired of writing camp," says one writer. "We could do another musical," suggests another. "Yeah, but we did that before," returns the first writer. "But what if instead of writing a good one, we wrote one that was Offensively Bad?" "Brilliant!" exclaims the first writer and proceeds to nail more pieces of wood into his or her head. (Just a hobby, not a neurosis.)
The episode begins on what I think of as a Star Trek Original Series set, for the sky and background is so obviously a big curtain about five feet behind the actors. Draco and his men uncover a Lyre (used to belong to some god, now lays around in deserts.) The local chapter of Amazons show up and demand the Lyre because it was found on their land. Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer arrive and decide, for some reason, to sing "War, what is it good for." (Or whatever the heck the real title is.) Then they decide they will have a battle of the bands to see who deserves the Lyre.
They all arrive in Meloria, the musical capital of Greece. They announce they are holding a compitition for the Lyre and the town's people break out into a song which I'm told is from Bye Bye Birdie. Xena's mom is in town and announces to Xena that she's decided to help Xena find a father for her child. Meanwhile Gabrielle, who is holding auditions for the competition, discovers that for some reason everybody in the town is tone deaf. But then Jace, Joxer's other twin brother, shows up and does some musical number and impresses everyone. By the way, there is a running gag in this episode that they continually try to find new ways to describe Jace. He's... different. He's... unique. What they are trying to say, but for some reason won't, is that he's gay.
Joxer finds a new grrl to have a crush on: Amoria, leader of the local Amazons. Jace arrives, and Joxer is embarrased by him and tells him to keep his distance. Jace, upset, has an awkward talk with Xena about it (awkward because of the directing or editing. The conversation is going, and then suddenly with no reason Jace is walking out of the door.) But now, and for the rest of the episode Xena is accosted by men selected or advertised for by her mother in order to wed Xena. Meanwhile Gabrielle finds herself becoming jealous over Joxer's attentions to Amoria. Draco approaches Gabrielle to once again declare his undying love for her. She dismisses him by kneeing him in the family jewels. He goes into a dream sequence where he chases Gabrielle while singing "Always Something There To Remind Me." He then declares if he can't have Gabrielle, then no one will.
Amoria expresses a liking of Jace, prompting Joxer to try some sort of reconcilitation with him. Gabrielle admits her jealousy of the situation to Xena, who lightly chides her. Xena runs into her mom who says,

"All I want is for you to have a family, Xena."
"I have a family! I've got Gabrielle; I've got Joxer; and as much as it pains me to say it, I've got you. This child's life will be filled with more than enough love."

She then sings "Sister Are Doing It For Themselves" while scantily dressed women dance around her. (You should especially keep an eye out for the red head with the shorn hair.) Xena's mom admits "You've always danced to the beat of your own drum, Xena. I suppose it would be foolish of me to stop you now." Finally, Gabrielle is captured by Draco.
Draco and his band sing "Kick Out The Jams" while threatening Gabrielle with a flame-throwing guitar. Xena shows up and fights Draco while they rap. Xena ends up winning the contest even though Draco was a much better rapper than she was. (Sorry folks, Lucy has a beautiful singing voice, but she cannot rap as well as Draco could.) Gabrielle admits to Joxer that she had confused emotions about his attention to Amoria. She apologizes for treating him lightly, then slams him back down when he asks her out on a date. Everybody finishes with a big musical number. Rhonda has pointed out to me that during this final son, "People Got To Be Free," Xena sings "I'll do unto you what you do to me" as she dances behind Gabrielle with her hand on her shoulder. They exchange a look.
Let me talk about Gabrielle for a bit. One of the things I have loved about Xena from the begining and have professed time and again is the great character evolution for Gabrielle. She has a true character arc from which she learns and evolves. But they have decided to throw away this method of storytelling this season in favor of a character who changes radically from episode to episode. They've gone down some interesting paths, but then completely abandoned those ideas after and episode or two. Okay, Xena's pregnant, so naturally Gabrielle is going to become the fighter of the group. I can see why they have to do that. I can even see why Gabrielle would do that, though I think the 180 degree switch was a little too abrupt after her experience with pacifism. So she suddenly becomes this super warrior who is on par with Xena. Then last episode they show a conflict within Gabrielle: she is now too violent. She has trouble controlling herself. This, I thought was a great idea, a great path to go down. But then we get this episode, which does not pick up that thread at all, and in fact has Gabrielle EASILY captured as if she were the same little peasant girl she was in episode one. It is after I watch episodes like this, and then see a preview for next week's episode which features people being hit in the face with pies, that I wonder to myself, "Why am I still watching this show?"